in these white shoes...

I hear your voices in the distance
Is it me you're calling? I'll never know
Outside my window I only see darkness
My heart sinking as I hear the people cheer

In my loneliness, you're a glimpse of happiness
Alas! If only I could see you now...
You soar up high with each resonating sound
With twinkling lights that finally fade into oblivion

You have always captured my breath
The beauty of your dancing lights, they lure me
But now I cannot see you
No matter how hard I try

How I wish I could see you again..





*sniff*...wala lang jud ko kita sa fireworks...nasalipdan sa uban mga buildings...huhuhu

infatuation can make even the most intelligent person illogical...at whim it can make the emotionally stable suicidal...the one with 20-20 vision, severely blind...the cautious, careless and foolhardy...

who's with me on this one?

Still recovering from my looong vacation stupor, I managed to scavenge the maternal ancestral house with the old books I used to take with me to the loo when I was between the ages 7 and 11 (i got my first teen mag at 12..so you can figure out what happened after that, and yes I DO read in the toilet hehe)...one of these books I brought back with me to Cebu. The book had short biographies of many outstanding people in history. So far, the only biography I've ever read from this book was that of Helen Keller's. Why I never managed to move on from her story, I really don't know. At 7, I had no idea who Lou Gehrig, Robert E.Lee, Mohandas Gandhi, Edgar Allan Poe, Anna Pavlova, or Florence Nightingale were. I only cared to read Helen's story because of her beautiful portrait shown in the book,perhaps enthralled by her charming face and beautiful dress , and the only thing I remembered about Florence Nightingale was that she had an owl named Athena...and yes, I learned that from a caption of her portrait,too.

Today, I flipped through the book again, and discovered that more than decade after, these names have become familiar to me. Who hasn't heard of Lou Gehrig's disease? Who doesn't know of Gandhi and his works? Who hasn't read Edgar Allan Poe's mysterious and dark literary contributions? And to nurses reading this, haven't you had enough hearing about Nightingale already?

I picked Mozart from the Table of Contents.. I was hungry for the feeling of awe and amazement. He was a child prodigy.Perfect.

To make the long story short---and no surprise--I didn't manage to finish Mozart's story. I was too bewitched by the idea of playing the piano again. I couldn't anymore remember the last time I spent hours pounding the keys, and the sheer joy I experienced upon completing a piece. At first, I tried to pacify the feverish longing with some daydreaming while iTunes did the playing for me. But the feeling of excitement didn't escape me until the wee hours of early morning. Having spent most of the afternoon and dinnertime with Keith, my number one lover (haha..sobrang cheesyyy..), I was left until midnight to hunt for my old piano books.

Lost in a random pile of beauty magazines (really, how my priorities and interests have changed over the years!), I found four of them, along with some printed pieces: Fur Elise, Ballad Pour Adeline,Turkish March, Cannon in D...

I stared at the Ballad Pour Adeline piece for a moment...Ten pages...Having only gone through about five grades (based on how many books you have completed), playing the rest (and the hardest parts) of the piece was not yet my battle. And I wasn't ready to bore my brains out with Fur Elise. A piece I had overplayed. Turkish March...too fast. Cannon in D...too Korean novela-ish. I resolved to playing the lessons in my old books. Being lost in trance-like moments, the fumbling to find the right key, the stopping mid-piece because it didn't sound right...they all came back to me in a flash flood of recall. It was like being lost in wonderful reverie.

A good read, a piano piece, a gentle caress on the piano keys...things I have taken for granted for so long. Old lovers I have almost forgotten.Old lovers that brought simple yet unceasing joy.Old lovers that provided unfathomable revelations to the soul.

When I take off my uniform at the end of the day, with renewed fervor, I look forward to embracing my 0ld lovers again.

It had rained on my happy day
And I was lost in the darkness that enveloped around me
I looked for a light, searching frantically
Praying hard not to stumble and fall along the way

I found the faint and dying light of your candle
And it was quite far from where I had stood
I walked towards it, as fast as I could
Hoping that my feet, the distance they could handle

As I neared your light, what surprise I found
It was no candle, not a lamp, not a fire
It was better than all the bright lights anyone could acquire
It was a gem, so destined to astound

It was your heart, the one he should have found...

If pain, guilt, fear,worry, and suffering overcome you everyday, what would you do ?

Would you go out and have drinks with friends to wash the pain away? (sadly, it doesn't)
Would you party all night to distract yourself?

Would you do all those other things BEFORE praying and actually going to God first?

Sadly, I used to. But in the midst of the pain, I saw how undeserving I was to be blessed this way.



God's grace...
Yesterday was my first day of discipleship.I left in the middle of an FOC game, much to the dismay of some of my friends, but I was happy they understood and let me go without forcing me to stay a bit longer...which was quite uncommon for them.

God's grace...
For the most part of the day, it had been pouring hard. I had always hated running on errands if it entailed even the briefest exposure to rainwater. I have never liked rain that much. But to prevent me from backing out or postponing, the rain stopped for a short while, just so I could go.

God's grace...
I had been praying for this to happen...for a year, to have someone to listen to me while showing me the right path towards God. I opened another "new blog" recently (after so many blogs) and had it imported to my Notes in Facebook....A good friend that I had tagged (who has only been a member quite recently) saw my very first entry. He saw my cry for help. And that's how it all started...

God's grace...
Some boyfriends would complain. Even if mine gets to spend quality time with me (not tired from work or hurrying to go to work) only on off days, he let me go. He supported my decision to walk with God...and it was his off day yesterday.

God's grace...
I'm weak before sin because I am human. I will always be as long as I'm "in this flesh".True, my discipler said, that I cannot do all this by myself. Temptation is harder to resist when you walk down the road of darkness alone. And now I do not get to tread unguided, blind and vulnerable. I have my discipler who would embrace me even if I sinned, not castigate me, condemn or shun me, but rather help me shift and refocus my way to God.


I abandoned God. But He never left me.Instead, He gave me His grace...to survive, and to come back to His loving arms once again.

I came across this old entry in the Freakonomics blog. While I still ponder over the article, I wish to hear from others about their views.

"Most doctors still believed it was only pain that kept patients alive through the trauma of operations. System failure due to shock was a frequent cause of death during surgery, and the loss of sensation was believed to make it more likely. A screaming patient, however tormented, had a better prognosis than a limp and lifeless one. …"

Read more about it here: Is Pain a Moral Good?

Will post something about Angels and Demons later...For now, I need to rescan the book. There were points where I was totally blank and zero...I know, I'm such a loser to have caught a movie this late...I've only been a bum for 2 days.

We're like a bunch of eggs waiting to hatch ..show the world what we can do and can be once we're out of our shells.

Two years ago, I was a fresh out of college, excited about what life had for me. I didn't bother carrying a very comprehensible career map, knowing that when life starts kicking me in the bum again, it wouldn't be a very hard blow on me.I could always re-sketch the map and do some re-routing. In the course of two years, I remade my map almost five times. I wasn't able to go to med school, I wasn't able to work as a nurse within a year...the list goes on. I had to be flexible. That was the foundation of the plan.

But sometimes, life can be very cruel. There are people and things that you hold so dear but life wouldn't spare you. There are no special considerations. It would touch every aspect possible. Hit or miss...as long as it fired.
Here I am, still trying to dust my knees and heal the wounds. I had been beaten badly again...so slowly, I wanted to give up. It took me a very long time to realize that I had let go of my Lifeline, my Hope in Everything, My Light, My Saviour...I had forgotten, rather, postponed praying to get more sleep,more time in my hands to spare for work, my friends and my boyfriend. I forgot that God was above all of them. I had forgotten Who was really important to me!

A recent fight with someone dear to me became my wake up call. In the midst of tears and pain, I had to get a magnifying glass to look closely at my map again. Retracing the routes, I realized that God was almost always missing. I wasn't able to include Him in most of my map. And on those routes, I had always seen dark and empty roads...

Right now, I'm trying to start again. I would be glad if someone offered discipleship and guidance.

---http://allwight.blogger.com---